Since joining the ranks of Army wives, my world has changed. I now live a storybook life. And the story is The World According to If. AKA The Wonderful World of If.
From the simplest things. “What will we have for dinner?” “Well, that depends on IF the manifest is done and B Daddy can make it home before midnight.”
And the more important things. “What will we do for Christmas?” “Well, that depends on IF NTC is scheduled before or after the new year.”
To the life altering things. “Are you going back to work at the place with the Big Green Block next tax season?” “Well, that depends on IF B Daddy is still deployed or IF he puts in his packet for selection, or IF he gets promoted, or IF the Army moves us.”
It is hard enough to have a grip on life when you are controlling it. Or at least pretending to. But when you are at the mercy of the Army, the only thing that is certain is the uncertainty of it all.
Of course it is frustrating. Do you enroll your kids in school, or do you wait, because you know you are going to PCS soon. Do you move with your husband, or do you stay behind, because he is going to be deploying soon. Do you plan a vacation, or do you stay close to home, because you know you might miss a phone call or email.
On the other hand, the uncertainty can make life fun. Expect the unexpected. Not knowing where you will be from one year to the next. It has the ability to satisfy the wanderlust.
But it still leaves you in limbo. Most people think ‘when, not if…’ Not in the Army. Once you enlist, either as a soldier or spouse, it quickly becomes ‘if, not when…’
It is not just your actions, it is your thinking. ‘If’ becomes a whole new creature when he joins his friend ‘What’. Together, they can rock your world, to your core, until your foundation begins to crumble. If (there is that word again!) you let it.
Being an Army wife can often mean you are on your own more often than a single woman. And no matter how strong your marriage is, that evil duo, ‘What if’ comes to visit way too often.
During field problems. “What if the car breaks down?” During training. “What if I need to go to the emergency room?” And most often, during deployments. “What if he realizes he can live without me?” “What if I decide I can live without him?” “What if I gain too much weight while he is gone?” “What if he doesn’t love me when he comes back?”
Being alone, you find that you have way too much time to dwell. On the important stuff. On the petty stuff. On the totally irrational stuff.
If (Ha!) I have learned anything in my new role, it is this. I can’t control the Ifs. B Daddy and I will deal with those as they are flung our way. As far as the What Ifs, they are the blood sucking vampires. And their invitation has been rescinded.
So, where will I be this time, next year? Who knows. Will I gain too much weight? Who cares. Will I still want B Daddy when he comes home? Abso-friggin-lutely.
No ifs, ands or buts about it.
2 Comments
Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI
Leave a comment
Girl, even though I am married to the ARMY for over 18 yrs, no one has ever summed it up like you did. Continue and maybe some CIVILIAN might understand what we have to go thru….Miss ya
Well the reason I don’t always comment is because I have too damn many tears in my eyes to see what the hell I am writing!! ARGH! Like I said before, you are an awesome writer and you manage to put into words the anguish that so many of us feel on a daily basis. You also comfort, in that, at least we know that someone else feels the same way and we are not alone in our irrationalities and frustration. xoxoxo