Is there ever a time that we do? I mean mentally.
I wonder if there will ever be a point in my life that I am not petty. Irrational. Jealous. Stupid.
Because I know that it is a selfish response. And it can hurt others, even if that is not the intention.
Since I moved away from Grand Junction, my home of 18 years, I have discovered that I am experiencing these feelings more and more often. Not because I enjoy them. It is the opposite. They make me not like myself.
It doesn’t matter that I try to keep it to myself, because I still know I am feeling that way. And the more I keep it to myself, the worse it seems to sound when it comes burbling to the surface.
The feelings always emerge about really dumb stuff. I left behind a lot of people. Some of them were very close and special to me. Yet that irrational part of me keeps thinking that time should stand still without me. They should not make new friends. They should not do things without me that we used to do together. In effect, they should not enjoy life without my wit and wisdom.
Not very realistic, I know. What makes it even more unrealistic is that I was the other friend. The new friend.
So how do I get past it?
As I have said before, I am as strong as I never was. I am perfectly imperfect. I am logically illogical. And now I am learning that I am selfishly unselfish on top of it all.
Super suck.
I want to be Wonder Woman. Without the invisible plane and bullet deflecting bracelets. OK, so I do want the bracelets. I want to be Mother Theresa. But with sex. I want to be human without acting human. I want my life to progress without actually changing. I want to have gorgeously shaped eyebrows without actually waxing them.
In other words, I want to be unrealistically realistic.
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I left my BFF in North Carolina when we made our first move. She had other friends, I didn’t. She moved on, I clearly didn’t. It’s tough stuff. Be better than me please, I haven’t even talked to her in almost 2 yrs and I still miss her. (((HUGS)))
I have lost enough people in my life to realize I will always cherish the ones I have left. I know there are friends you outgrow, and I guess there will always be that insecurity in me that fears that I will be the one left behind. Just something I need to deal with on my own I guess.
I can relate to nearly everything you’ve said here. There’s something about being a woman that makes us believe that we can have it all without any of the consequences. Or at least, make us want it all and ignore the consequences.
I think it applies to men and women. It is a human characteristic that no one is completely innocent of. Not that it makes it any better. We just have to learn.