Out of the Darkness…

Almost.

I have been in a very dark place lately. Not because of anything that anyone has done or not done. It is in my head.

And it can’t get out.

I have dealt with depression most of my life, and have pretty much just sucked it up. It made some of my life a living hell. After years of dealing with it on my own, and not very well, I finally got help in the form of therapy and drugs.

The darkness has never gone away completely, but had been reduced to a shadow, as opposed to the eclipse it had been.

Admitting that I had been living in an emotional eclipse was hard for me. Although I am just shy of 40, depression was something that was considered a flaw. It meant there was something wrong with me. I was, in some way, a failure.

Or so I thought. So I hid it. Hell, I just hid period.

And the darkness grew. And I was suffocating. I felt like I was drowning inside my own head. I began to panic over nothing. Cry over everything. Care about little.

I went to the doctor because I scared. I thought I was literally losing ground in my head. I wasn’t hearing voices. It was nothing like that. I just wanted out of the darkness.

The doctor, and the drugs, helped me find light. There was no aspect of my life that didn’t improve. I felt better physically. I was emotionally light hearted. I enjoyed life again.

And out of the blue, years later, the darkness came back.

But this time, it manifested itself in ways that affected not just me.

It came out in petty ways. Jealousy is not an emotion I am very familiar with. But lately, I have to remind myself, demand of myself that I not be jealous.

As a recovering anorexic, I have always been overly self critical. But never this brutally. My self worth became non existent. I was convinced my friends were trying to avoid me. I became convinced that my husband regretted marrying me. I began to drown in self pity. My pity parties were like the Roaring 40’s.

My self pity got incredibly intense. While I never truly contemplated suicide, it crossed my mind. I wanted out of the darkness. Then I realized how many people counted on me to do things and be there. And believe it or not, I got angry. Not at myself, but at the people who were counting on me. I became self absorbed and selfish. And full circle, I was back at self pity.

I scared my friend. I worried my husband. I terrified myself.

My friend was harsh. My husband was harsher. I was harshest.

My friend loves me. My husband loves me. I love me. All of these must be true, because otherwise, the harshness would not have been necessary.

The darkness is still there. But the stars are out. Little pin points of light. I am not Little Orphan Annie. The sun will not be out tomorrow.

But there is a 40% chance of sun.

And that is pretty damn good.

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